Only a bit more than a week to go!!! I’ve been running a whole gamut of emotions these past few weeks – I’ve been so excited I could barely contain myself. I’ve felt stressed. I’ve been honestly panicked. But what’s been my biggest lesson is that I just can’t do it all myself. I’ve had – and still am having – to learn to let go of some things. Learning that I can’t control everything.
This is coming in the form of so many lessons. I have really been feeling a weight with this trip. It’s hard to explain, but I really just want to do a great job while I’m there. So, of course, I want to bring every piece of equipment I possibly can. But I just can’t. I can’t carry it all around and while I’m there. And so I’m afraid I won’t have something I might “need” for a shot. But when i was complaining about this, my wife, with her incredible wisdom, said to me, “Well, you’ll just have to figure something else out.” And she’s totally right. I could bring everything I thought I needed and still not have enough.
I just have to let it go. I need have to have a little more faith. And this is what is so hard for me: I’m the epitome of a control freak when it comes to this sort of thing.
But as I think of how all my preparations have gone for this trip, I’m reminded time and time again how things always work out. God has a plan. It’s not my plan. And despite my best efforts, He’s making His plan work.
One big area of this has been finances. You see, I hate to ask for help. Hate it. So I took way too long for me to start fund raising for the trip. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue: the trip would be paid for by the people I was working for. But in this case, I’m going not to get paid, but because I want to help make a difference. And sure, it’s the troop of a lifetime. But there have been many days where I’ve felt a rising sense of panic. Days where I seriously did not want to be going.
You might think that crazy, but I was just seriously over whelmed. I felt like I couldn’t do it. I mean, I simply struggle every day just to do my job, be a good husband, and be a good father. And I feel that I fail more often than not. So I just didn’t want to add one more responsibility to that. And so I felt like I just couldn’t do it. I felt like I was failing before I even got there.
But you see, the truth is that I won’t ever be perfect. And I don’t need to be. And God had been working this out for me despite myself.
Despite my obsessiveness. Despite my procrastination. Despite my over-inflated sense of self-sufficience. Despite the fact that I put a hole in my hand with a power drill!
Because God knows – and I’m just starting to figure this or – that I can’t do this perfectly. And He also knows that it doesn’t matter. If I truly believe that I’m supposed to be on this trip, then I should also believe that the job I do will be the job I’m supposed to do. Imperfect as it may be.
And I think part of this is the fact that I haven’t done something like this in a long time. My life is pretty easy and without a lot of risk. I’ve got a great wife, great kids, and a steady job. The biggest risk I probably take on a daily basis is getting to and from work every day. And I don’t think this is how we’re made to be…
But that’s another post some other day.
So, I’m writing to say that I’m not ready to go. All the money isn’t quite all there yet. I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to deal with the hassle of traveling with all my gear. But I know it’s all going to work out. And not because I’m in control. Not even close.
But I know who is!